Monday, January 12, 2009

Becoming a FeDoo (female douchebag)

In my hunt to further understand douchebags I dedicated the week to surrounding myself with the enigmatic species. Although my first inclination was to be judgmental of the D-bag way, I actually found that douchebags have some useful pieces of advice. The D-baggy men were on top of their game, made things happen and were leading pretty fabulous lives. What’s wrong with that? If Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City could “have sex like a man,” then why couldn’t I “date like a douchebag?” I decided to take some key douche bag traits and morph into a FeDoo-the female equivalent of our lovely male counterpart.

Top FeDoo Moves—stolen from the male douchebags:

Aggressiveness gets the prize: As previously mentioned, my flirting attempts are usually about as aggressive as a sloth in a coma. Douchebags are always aggressive though, even when approaching women that are clearly out of their league.

Therefore in an unnamed bar in San Francisco I decided to become an approacher of men. Not one or two but rather four rather attractive men were across the bar giving me the eye. At least one seemed to have an accent, my motivation for action. “Juliet,” my friend Eva said, “Go over there. You have nothing to lose. If you believe you’re hot, so will they. FeDoo it, honey.”

I downed a drink and trotted over while humming “Eye of the Tiger” for added confidence. “Hello boys,” I said. “Mind if I squeeze in here for a drinkie?” Hello boys. That’s all it took. Hours later the four Australians were still with us, flirting, chatting, and telling off color aboriginal jokes. The next morning the first text message to hit my screen was “G’day sexy.” Now...which hot Aussie to choose……or can FeDoos choose all four?

Equal opportunity: I have noticed that douchebags do not always have discriminating tastes. I have personally witnessed good looking D-bags make out with women that resemble old shoes. Not that I want to kiss aged leather, but perhaps we should be less selective, widen the pool, and see if anything good comes out of it? In a normal situation I don’t give a man the time of day unless I have measured his bicep circumference (yes, I carry a measuring tape in my handbag), gotten his IQ scores, medical records, and adequately quizzed him on Obama’s stimulus plan. 1.5% of the male population can survive my interrogation, which is likely contributing to my datus hiatus status. I decided to FeDoo it and be more open minded. If the guy can make me laugh, he’s in.

Make things happen: Douchebags make shit happen. They do not wait around for Lady Luck to play her hand. Rather, they spank Lady Luck on the ass. Some friends of mine had mentioned a male friend they had that I would likely get along with. “Platonic get along or naked get along?” I asked. “Perhaps both” they said. I could wait for the fates to bring us together OR I could give Luck a hearty ass slap. I propositioned my friends, “Here’s my photo, here’s my number. If he likes it, tell him to call.” I knew that if he had any douchebag in him he’d dial up. Over the weekend I got a ring. Score!

“Sooooooo…..I hear you like to eat and drink."
“Yes, I hear you like to eat and drink as well.”
“So what should two people do that like to eat and drink?”
Needless to say we decided against a walk in the park.
“Anything you don’t eat?”
I quickly decided not to list all my food allergies or pending diet plans. After all I was a FeDoo.
“Babe, I eat it all.”

Exaggeration does not equal lies: Douchebags don’t always lie but in order to get what they want they may exaggerate *slightly*. We all know too well that they are good at telling women what they want to hear in order to lure them into bed. So why shouldn’t we follow suit? If hot men guess that I am 25, I am certainly not going to correct them. In addition, if my job sounds too intimidating (for those 25 year old men, that is) I see nothing wrong with telling them I am a flight attendent. Men have a fetish for flight attendents. Therefore Mazz and I have memorized the entire United Airlines take off spiel so that we can repeat it in bars as proof of our employment status.

Hit on people you shouldn’t hit on: Douchebags hit on everyone showing no regard for social mores. Capitalizing on how douchebags go after every available female, I decided that I would go after every available male.

My brother was in town to visit his old b-school friends for a guys weekend. I quickly interrogated him on the status of each one –Single? Hot? Rich?

“Juliet...you cannot date my friends—they are all douchebags.”
Little did he know that only piqued my interest.
“Well, your friend Arthur seems nice….”
"No." he said.

Obviously my brother was determined to keep me chaste for the weekend. Little did he know I was a new FeDoo and had no regard for morals. I decided to secretly scan his blackberry and determine the location of the male bonding party where I would make a "surprise" appearance.

Hours later I was dancing and grinding with Arthur. I distantly heard my brother's voice in the background.

“Hey who did Arthur pick up?"
“Oh, he’s with some 25 year old blond flight attendent.”
“She looks just like like……hey damnit Juliet!!!”

Once my brother discovered it was me I was promptly escorted off the dance floor and lectured. But not before I got in some “close dancing” and dropped off a phone number.

FeDoo-the way to live in 2009.

1 comment:

Jeb said...

Just remember we all have good and bad days and, like you can be a White Chameleon, Mr Right can sometimes act like a douche bag, appear like a douche bag to the untrained eye or might even be mirroring a White Ch.. sorry FeDoo for the evening ;)

You don’t want to become a FeDoo, you want to know how to pick the difference between a douche bag and Mr Right even thought they might express similar traits in the brief moments you meet them at a bar.

A douche bag acts like a douche bag because he doesn’t know who he is, therefore what he truly wants and thus feels disempowered around women and feels that the only way to gain power is to take it by weakening the other person and keeping the upper hand. This only ever results in a relationship which is based on illusion, role playing and co dependence. Ironically usually with a woman who also doesn’t know who she is, what she wants, feels disempowered but sees his false bravado as real and “empowering” for her.

It is when you truly know who you are, what you want, what you don’t want and often experience glimmers of both in relationships that you realize how easy it is to ask the right questions to differentiate Mr Right from Mr Douche Bag. “Being Bold” is definitely about having the courage to say yes, but even more so the courage to say no. We all like to go out and flirt but not settling for the attention of someone you might like to go to bed with, but don’t want to wake up next to is the way to stop perpetuating going out with douche bags. But you already know that from Brazil...

As you point out Mr Right and Mr Douche Bag can sometimes express similar traits. It is the intent which is different and what you need to be able to differentiate. Apart from the obvious douche bag traits of picking up everything in the place, it is looking beyond first impressions to see the different motivations and intent behind the actions which often attract you like confidence. Milan Kundra actually talks about the concept that in fact people aren’t unique or special but mannerisms, actions or expressions are. We are a conglomerate of these actions or mannerisms reflecting what we want to project whether we have the internal fortitude or self belief to back them up. However when we see an expression it triggers an interpretation or intuitive assessment of that person based on our experience. Thus unless you can truly read a persons energy, “water mark” or know them and their intent, you will simply be labeling them based on your experience not who they truly are. This doesn’t mean you aren’t right 90% of the time but it is the other 10% which might mean you miss Mr Right!