Monday, October 27, 2008

Filling the Pipeline

When I first started my "datus hiatus" I felt powerful. I felt I was in control of my happiness. Celibacy was a comfortable state of being. After all, in a pinch a sit-up or two will work to satisfy those uh...urges... Being standoffish and date free was almost fun...

Well, that "comfortable, fun" feeling has ended. My external body may be strong from yoga but my internals feel the tumbleweeds blowing around. Sit-ups or a sad quivering piece of rubber/plastic just won't cut it anymore. And instead spending Saturday nights sorting through my moldy chevre selection while reading 'overcoming overeating' or 'why being alone is powerful,' I would give my left kneecap AND a case of cherished vino to have a engaging dinner date with someone who, well, I found engaging. My socks want to be knocked off, and perhaps even my pants too! Enough failures--it's time to seriously tackle the pipeline.

Easier said than done. In some cities filling the man pipeline with decent specimens is easy for marathon-running, Manolo-savvy, and wine-literate gals like my female entourage. Not the case in San Francisco. Not only do most men stubbornly insist on staying in one of three categories: sensitive ponytail birkenstock man, overly-conceited triathlete guy, or gay (hey, love you guys but a girl needs some action!), but we seem to also mess up when the few good ones appear.

Task Number 1-Finding the good one. (you know, the straddle-worthy pipeline filler)
Task Number 2-Reeling him in (i.e., flirting: ensuring your cold shoulder bitch or dwarf lover tendencies don't scare him off)

Situation A: Task 1- Successful. Task 2- A bust.
Last week after deciding to have just "one more" glass of wine at a posh neighborhood bar, Alexis and I spotted a hot stranger sitting by himself. The 'stranger alone at a upscale bar' find! Woo hoo! "One more glass" turned into oh..."twelve more" as we delightedly made it our mission to keep the man company. However, much to my dismay, the wine took over my brain and I once again found myself overly chatty and talking Mr. Hot Man's ear off about orchestra camp and the desperate plight of 30 year old women in San Francisco. Alexis, alarmed even through her wine haze, hit me a few times on my left arm to make me realize I should stop talking. Now. Ouch. Getting hit by a martial arts black belt isn't fun. Mazz later heard the tale and told me that I am no longer allowed alcohol on first dates or first man encounters.....but I am do you meet a man without alcohol?

Sitation B: Task 1- A failure, Task 2-Passed but wish it didn't
I decided to listen to Mazz and agreed that my next date would be tea after a hatha yoga class. Mr. Earthy (AKA 'Mr. I'm OK with no alcohol as I am on a cleanse') and I chatted about vegetarianism and politics and hiking. Interesting but *yawn* no sex appeal. Well for me. Oddly, this man seemed to have fallen in love with my random spouting off. I actually got propositioned for marriage. Truth be told, he needed to extend his visa to stay in the country. But he also wanted to see me every day for the next week. Yikes. I'm back to least it eases the pain.

So how do we execute both tasks....and remain (relatively) sober?

Besides that shady site, where can we meet wonderful men that are educated, aren't afraid of alcohol (or afraid of me with alcohol), and like to hike, bike and paint? And then how do we reel them in?

A few ideas Alexis, Mazz and I are going to try out:

1. College sports game venues: Alcohol lovin' real guys that eat meat. Who cares which team they root for! We will wow them with our cheerleading abilities.
2. Art openings: The sophisticated intellectual or the poser who at least likes to look sophisticated and intellectual...we will brush up on the artists beforehand as to come across "learned."
3. Mingling at Whole Foods: At 'Whole Paycheck' you will find a man with a wallet who is produce savvy....I'll offer to help him pick out the 'ripe ones.'
4. This year's Halloween party: The only time when looking as slutty as possible works in our favor.
5. The line to vote at the polls: He must be politically savvy to understand all of SF's propositions...and I intend to ask everyone in line about them.

Once again I'll be practicing flirting. It's no longer a side hobby, it's a necessity for survival.


Anonymous said...

You know the saying--"Be the person you want to attract, and you will attract that"..I'm talking about the internal qualities: kindness, sincerity, intellectualism, thoughtfulness, cool interests that you would appreciate in a mate, etc...
"GroundHog Day"-movie message for the rest of us.

I just spent part of the evening with a friend of one of my friends. I've listened to her before. She and my other friends "desperately want" boyfriends, but keep acting very badly towards men when they are around them. #1 girl gets arrogant, BUTCH & abrasive. #2 girl gets arrogant & incredibly pompous & snotty about her work. #3 isn't aweful, but she gets incredibly frightened shy, withdrawn & sad--and it's a self-fulfilling trainwreck. Only a moron-man would want to put up with the first two, or a desperate loser "on the make" willing to ignore this.
I spent the evening hearing about how horrible #1 & #2's online & real-world dating experiences went, but noticed her over-desperation in picking "fixer-uppers", yet Petty & Vicious deeds in dealing with "Works in Progress".
Every person is a "fixer-upper", nobody really slides into a relationship without some "adjustments" & growing.

The only thing I think is going to HELP is Counseling with a good counselor who requires homework in life-improvement--cutting back on boozing, improving social supports, nutrition, exercise, hobbies.
I also noticed ALCOHOL is a factor with #1 & #2 girls, helps perpetuate the vicious cycles of despondency, desperation, and especially anger with #1 gal.


Anonymous said...

TrailerQueen is spot on. The only way you can find the right person, is to make sure you're right on the inside. Too much emphasis is put on how a guy looks "on paper" - is he an athlete? is he politically aware? is he financially stable? etc. None of those "paper qualities" identify the Mr. Right for you. The perfect partner is not always the most successful business man, most intellectual, well-traveled, nor is the perfect partner always the male version of you.

Juliet spends a lot of time developing and describing her own exceptional "paper qualities", but we know nothing of the person inside her - what keeps her going, her fears, etc. How will she ever find Mr. Right if she defines and judges every man (along with herself) by resumes and not by what's inside?

Mazz said...

I think you girls are a bit misguided in what Juliet is looking for. Don't misinterpret her search for the guy who looks great on paper. What is wrong with wanting to be with someone who is an athlete? If you yourself are active, love the outdoors and value health and fitness, it seems like a no brainer. The triathlete and the couch potato are probably not a good match.

Similarly, looking for someone who is politically aware and financial stable just means you want someone to have similar values. I could never imagine being with someone who was apathetic about the world around him. Political awareness is a characteristic of people who have an outward view of the world and are not self-centric. Financially stable doesn't mean rich - it just means you have gainful employment, have your shit together, and aren't going to be a freeloader.

What is wrong with that? You yourself need not be so quick to judge.